MacArthur BART is melting in the dark

Watching the little puddles on the roof outside Destiño’s window ripple from the raindrops coming down. Makes me want to find my grandmother’s cake recipe, spend hours baking a cake with sweet green icing, throw the recipe away and take the cake outside and leave it near MacArthur BART.

But I don’t think that I could take it.

Yuck

I’m kinda depressed today.

I guess there’s nothing to be done about it or anything, but that’s kinda lame. I don’t like it.

Oh well. Hope everyone else is doing better.

Cleaning my desk

It’s a piece of advice that’s older than the hills, and yet still so easy to ignore. At least for me, it is.

I’ve been paying attention to how my environment affects my mental state and my attitude. My apartment’s appearance has become critical since I’ve started spending a much greater portion of my waking hours here. Bit by bit, I’ve been trying to organize and clean.

Cleaning my apartment

I’m coming to terms with my apartment right now, and I hope this isn’t some phase. Basically, the place has been a disaster area ever since I moved in, and it’s still a mess now, but it’s starting to piss me off. I’m embarrassed to bring people over to the apartment, and that’s no good.

I've Got a Crush On a Priest

This is my third and final night at Tassajara. I suppose things have smoothed out a little bit. I feel like an outsider, but not as much as I did when I arrived. Now I feel like a… perhaps a visitor. It’s very plain to me that I’m seeing something that is just a sliver of the experience and the richness of this place, and I’m seriously considering coming back soon.

Second Day at Tassajara

Again I’m uncomfortable because I’m followed around by this person called me. Being here at Tassajara has been very challenging. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to sit for long enough to make it through zazen, but this Morning without realizing, I sat longer than I ever have before. Taigen told me that including the time before the bell, (we arrived early) I sat for about an hour and a quarter.

Tassajara

At sitting tonight I sat at my zafu and immediately started to sob. I was faced with a n overwhelming sense that I was in the middle of something much bigger than I am. I felt that here I am protected, and maybe I’m able to see myself in this refuge. I have the opportunity to take refuge here in Sangha in a way I’ve never been able To before. yet I’m frightened of this opportunity to tahe refuge. It seems as though I am afraid of what taking refuge means that I can’t do it myself, That I have to ask for help.

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