Second Day at Tassajara

Again I’m uncom­fort­able because I’m fol­lowed around by this per­son called me. Being here at Tas­sa­jara has been very chal­leng­ing. I was afraid that I would­n’t be able to sit for long enough to make it through zazen, but this Morn­ing with­out real­iz­ing, I sat longer than I ever have before. Taigen told me that includ­ing the time before the bell, (we arrived ear­ly) I sat for about an hour and a quarter.

I’m still afraid of get­ting things wrong. I want to get it all right but that real­ly isn’t the point of my being here. If I’m here to learn, then it goes with­out say­ing that I will make mistakes.

I’m trou­bled by my sex­u­al dri­ve here. I did­n’t come here to meet women. There are though some very beau­ti­ful women here, many with shaved heads. One, a priest named Shoho shaved my head this after­noon. It was a very nice expe­ri­ence and I’m still sur­prised when I see myself in the mir­ror. Shoho helped me bury my hair beneath a tree here.

Taigen told me that there is some­thing that I am danc­ing around. He says there is some­thing I will have to say «Yes» to. I won­der what it is that I’ll say «yes» to, I won­der if Taigen thinks he knows what it is that I am avoid­ing, Or if he’s just watch­ing my struggle.