If spam works, why can’t they afford copywriters?

I nev­er stop being amazed by the total lack of lit­er­a­cy dis­played by the senders of unso­licit­ed com­mer­cial email. It’s as though no one sends spam who actu­al­ly got through the third grade.

BEST SPEL CHECKUR EVAR!!!! < — OK, I made that one up, and if I saw it I’d think it was inten­tion­al and clever. What’s worse is the copy­writ­ing that makes it clear that they are fog­gy on the concept.

INCREASE THE SIZE OF YOUR PENIS <— yeah, I fig­ured out how to do that when I was 12 years old.

and my recent dis­turb­ing favorite:

DON'T LIVE WITH DEPRESSION <— Um. Real­ly, don’t tell peo­ple with depres­sion not to live. Not cool.

My all-time favorite spam was one I only got once. It read: Do you or some­one you love have a prob­lem with inter­net sex addic­tion? It was sev­en or eight full para­graphs of well-writ­ten prose about the heart­break­ing sto­ries of peo­ple whose lives were over­whelmed by com­pul­sive inter­net sex and porn. It end­ed say­ing that if you or some­one you care about has this prob­lem, there is help and it had a URL for more information.

Of course, it was a link to a porn site. How bril­liant is that? They attract­ed their very best cus­tomers right to them. Amazing.

I think I should buy a liquor store and then leave leaflets adver­tis­ing it around every AA meet­ing in the city.