Bitterness

In pri­vate cor­re­spon­dence, some­one I used to trust wrote the following:

some­times it’s eas­i­er to just be bitter

This is sur­pris­ing­ly true. It is eas­i­er just being bit­ter. I don’t know where I’d be with­out my bit­ter­ness. It is the fuel that keeps me mov­ing and which makes me strong. Bit­ter, I can look my reflec­tion in the eye. Bit­ter, I show up at the gym. Bit­ter, I can keep oth­ers at bay. Bit­ter, I don’t have to hurt. Bit­ter I can be so angry that I tem­per myself and become stronger, like a scar knit­ting over a wound or mus­cles rebuild­ing the microtears from over­work to become big­ger and more powerful.

If I’m not bit­ter, what will hap­pen to me? As I let go of bit­ter­ness I become vul­ner­a­ble for oth­ers to hurt me. As I let go of bit­ter­ness, I sit in the same place and get soft and fat and weak. My bit­ter­ness purges me of my sloth and feeds my vanity.

But yes, bit­ter­ness is a char­ac­ter defect, isn’t it? As such it can­not be any more than a tem­po­rary crutch. We learn our defen­sive char­ac­ter­is­tics from pain and they keep us alive until we heal. So I should trust that the heal­ing will make me stronger than con­tin­u­ing to pull at the wounds will.

Can I trust this?

Namu kea butsu
Namu kea e so
Namu kea e ho

A dis­ci­ple of Bud­dha does not har­bor ill will: It’s not that one does­n’t have ill will, but one does not keep it around. I’ve been keep­ing it around.
A dis­ci­ple of Bud­dha does not abuse sex­u­al­i­ty: This is called sex­u­al, social, emo­tion­al anorexia
A dis­ci­ple of Bud­dha does not intox­i­cate mind or body of self or oth­ers My chem­i­cal sobri­ety is (for the moment we hope) not in ques­tion, but does this not apply to tox­ic reasoning?