Vision
I went to a visions meditation and ceremony today. It was really calming and more than a little revealing.
Investigating my vision for myself is about uncovering more aspects of the vision I’ve always had for myself rather than inventing something new. Sometimes aspects take on new meanings, but the process is remembering and allowing myself to realize that these things are possible, or at least that I deserve to have this perfect thing, even if it’s only in my imagination.
So I’ve known this for years, at least since high school. My vision of myself when I’m (ahem) grown up and living in the (ahem) real world looks like this: a place to live with large windows and plenty of natural light. Through the windows it is possible to see trees and water. Inside there are hardwood floors, a fireplace, and a comfortable chair with a reading lamp. There are many books around; there are shelves full of them. And my drawing table is there, and I work at it during the day, and read in the evenings. There is a cat with me. I draw with a pen and ink and write letters to loved ones by hand with a fountain pen at a clean, uncluttered desk.
What I noticed today is that this doesn’t include a partner. As far as I can recall, it never has. It is not a part of this vision to have a wife or girlfriend. I can guess at two possible reasons, and I’ll list the easiest one first: that I’ve been in as much denial about my own ability, or even right to have a mate that I’ve pushed aside any thoughts of who she might be and have just taken who I could as I’ve gone along. This is supported by the fact that at several times during my life I have had dreams about finding and falling in love with a girl or woman with whom I match perfectly. It could be that what’s in my mind and heart and repressed in my consciousness, gets squeezed out into my dreams.
The other possibility is that I am here for something else. Perhaps the vision is clear: that there is no one else, that I desire and require an almost solitary life. That’s a perplexing possibility. I spend a lot of energy looking for my mate, but perhaps I shouldn’t be looking outside myself for what I need. At the very least it seems clear that I need to focus on my work and on being useful to others. If there is to be a relationship in my life, it’ll happen by itself without my effort. Even then it may be important for me to keep my mind on my work first and foremost, and keep my ability to have solitude intact.
Wacko theory: my soul is to a woman what her body is to me. That is to say, something that is generally more appealing when concealed and shrouded in mystery.
I’m reminded of advice from the Tao Te Ching that I never follow: «Keep your mouth shut, guard your senses.» I’ve gotten in trouble for sharing my observations. Is it dishonest to simply not mention what I observe? I think I need to keep things to myself more, perhaps most of all because I might be right.
I think you are in danger of
I think you are in danger of over-intellectualizing what is essentially a process of fluid dynamics. The flow of experience will put you in contact with some unknown number of partners over the course of your lifetime, and you will continually be informed (or distracted, depending on how you look at things) with the power to choose your life partner. Sometimes the flow will control you, like the boat caught in the rapids, and sometimes you will be able to steer your course. When you reach the river’s end, the destination is not at all relevant, only the quality of the journey.
As for you ability and right to have a mate, these are inalienable facts of existence. Nature’s design grants us the right and ability to mate. Seeking the “perfect match” is an oxymoron and an injustice to your partners. All people, and by extension relationships, are imperfect, which is as it should be. The best relationships, in my opinion, are the ones where both partners trust and respect each another and each other’s strengths and weaknesses. When one person is no longer comfortable with the other’s qualities, that’s usually when they bolt.
Of course, these are just my opinions to be taken with several grains of salt.
No, you have a good point
No, you have a good point about my overintellectualizing, but I believe I’ve stumbled across a valid question: does the fact that I don’t have a partner in my life vision mean that my vision is incomplete, or that a partner is not all that important to me?
I’m of the belief that you
I’m of the belief that you end up finding someone when you aren’t on the hunt. Just minding your own business, content with the way things are, and then all of a sudden the ground gives way. I didn’t expect to fall in love with Matt in such a big way, but, well, he appeared on my doorstep. My most successful relationships have happened when I didn’t plan on including another person in my life.
Oh yes, I’m also firmly of
Oh yes, I’m also firmly of this belief, and that’s not what I’m questioning. You’re absolutely right about that.
What I’m curious about is whether I need – or even want – a partner in my life. I’m actually having a lot of fun being on the hunt; dating and not being in a relationship is way cooler than I thought it could be. I think it’s significant that there’s no partner in my vision for myself.
Either a partner is not what I want and need, or the vision is incomplete. Can’t say which it is, but either way it seems important.
Perhaps both. Perhaps
Perhaps both. Perhaps neither. I think that question is relative to the observer. Do you feel that your vision is incomplete? I think there are several possibilities here in time. For you, consciously or subconciously, this vision may be complete or not. What if it is, and you meet someone later on down the road so compelled by you, or so compelling to you, that they insert themselves into your completed vision and enhance it beyond its original potential? Ultimately, I don’t think the answer is as important as being satisfied with the vision as you can see it now. Always be flexible about the future.
Yeah, right now I’m taking
Yeah, right now I’m taking more action in things like getting my living space to where I want it to be (free of clutter, comfortable both for living and working) and trying to get to financial solvency. Women are a very pleasant distraction, but I guess what’s happening is that I’m starting to see them as a distraction rather than the purpose of my life.
I understand that this shift in attitudes is pandemic to males in their early thirties, but hearing about it in the past has just terrified and revolted me. The idea that there might be things in life more important than sex? Heresy! I’m probably a bit in backlash mode now, too. Having just discovered this, I’m indulging in the playacting of intellectual vanity, saying “Ha! women! don’t need them. Got more important things to do.” But the reality is that I go out on the street and need chiropractic help from all the rubbernecking I do.
I suppose ultimately that these things aren’t mutually exclusive. Being freed (even just a little) from an addictive attitude towards sex, I’m better able to appreciate the experience of attraction.
It’s like smoking: I haven’t had a cigarette in over seven years, but I have had I think eight cigars at celebrations or special occasions in that time. I used to go through a pack of cigarettes every day, and today I really enjoy smoking when I do it (never cigarettes – that would be too dangerous. I have to admit that even smoking a cigar seems foolhardy, but I do it anyhow. No sense in making things even worse by dabbling in cigarettes again) because it’s something I do because I enjoy it rather than from a sense of need.
Oh, did you say something about overintellectualization? =^)