Monochromatic Outlook

Went to the gym what? THREE days ago?

Well, about the only thing pro­duc­tive I did today was work­ing out. I went with Jeff and so I got to do bench­press­es, which I don’t do if I go alone. Some things just should­n’t be done with­out a spotter. 

I was amazed at the num­ber of beau­ti­ful women at the gym this after­noon, too. And I don’t mean the cook­ie-cut­ter cal­i­for­nia bitch kind of toned, tanned, blonde and bony that we see around here so much, I mean real­ly beau­ti­ful. Drop-dead gor­geous with per­son­al­i­ty. Stun­ning. Just stunning.

Woke up at a rea­son­able hour, wrote my morn­ing pages, had break­fast, and went to the gym. Now it’s noon and I’m just get­ting ready to start my work­day, so it’s not a per­fect day, but not bad.

I went to a visions med­i­ta­tion and cer­e­mo­ny today. It was real­ly calm­ing and more than a lit­tle revealing. 

Inves­ti­gat­ing my vision for myself is about uncov­er­ing more aspects of the vision I’ve always had for myself rather than invent­ing some­thing new. Some­times aspects take on new mean­ings, but the process is remem­ber­ing and allow­ing myself to real­ize that these things are pos­si­ble, or at least that I deserve to have this per­fect thing, even if it’s only in my imagination. 

… I’m hunt­ing jobs.

Which are of course, more elu­sive than was­cawwy wabbits. 

I fig­ure if I can’t bring myself to do the kind of work I have on my plate, that I’d bet­ter take some action to get some oth­er kind of work. This brings up a lot of fear of rejec­tion and all that of course. What if I find a com­pa­ny I’d real­ly like to work for and THEY don’t like ME? A load of horsepucky of course, but those feel­ings keep com­ing up.

I seem to be hav­ing tremen­dous dif­fi­cul­ty in get­ting any­thing done that makes me any mon­ey. I hate to think that my dis­dain for mon­ey runs so deep that it com­pro­mis­es my abil­i­ty to do things I would enjoy if I weren’t mak­ing mon­ey from them.

Well, today my prob­lems are a lot less than they were a cou­ple days ago.

So last night I went to the gym, and what an amaz­ing dif­fer­ence some good (or bad) moti­va­tion can do! It was unbe­liev­able. For a while after Vik­ki and I split I would watch myself in the mir­ror telling myself I was build­ing the body SHE CAN’T HAVE. Which was great. It kept some fire in me and I made some pret­ty decent progress in a short while.